Lost for Words

For two months now, I have been, to use a Pink Floyd song title and idiom, lost for words. In order to update those who may care and to solidify my journey I will write post using my journal from those two months.

I couldn't write anything for I had no words. November 8, apparently all I wanted to do was run away. "I just don't know what to do with myself so I decided to leave the house and go somewhere with my IPod on and the wind from the bus window blowing right through the heat of Bangkok. I didn't get off at my intentional destination. I pray my favorite artists would speak to my broken heart. Today is the first day in a long time that I wanted to run away- from our house, Bangkok, my indecisive life, my horrible decisions, my mind, my heart. I want to take a bus to Cambodia. How can I let something so seemingly insignificant affect me like this, but something as heart wrenching as kids on the street don't bring me into a fury that I storm out of my house, hop on a bus until I cool off enough to get off?"

As I reread this overly dramatic journal, I can't help but to like the authenticity of those feelings and thoughts. Essentially, I was speaking to this innate longing of be-longing. Don't we all desire to belong somewhere, fully and wholly? Can any of us actually belong, really? I went on to write a rather embarrassing line "My body feels hot, I'm such a sweaty mess in this place, I'm fat, my face is covered in zits and worst of all, I am so alone. Speak to me." Have you ever been to that place of feeling so inadequate, so helpless, so frustrated and alone?

1 John 4:7 "Beloved, let us love one another because love is from God and whoever loves is born of God and knows God". My prayer for us all today (the same prayer as November 8) is

Help us to love. Help us to see and experience love.

"To become truly free is to give more importance to truth and justice than to the desire to fulfill at all costs our own compulsive needs." - Jean Vanier from Community and Growth (I think)